So, you want to have a threesome…or at least you think you do.
You’ve been kicking the idea around in your mind for a while, and honestly, it looks super hot.
But it’s also intimidating. You’re horny enough to want to walk the plank and consider diving into the water head first, but you’re realistic enough to understand that many things can go wrong.
If this sounds like you, relax. You can loosen up your jaw and stop white-knuckle clenching your fists when you think about it. I’m here to help.
This article should help you navigate your threesome uncertainty.
Why a Threesome?
First, you must ask yourself why you want to have a threesome. Maybe you saw it in porn, and it caught your eye. You continued to pursue the theme whenever you perused adult content, and eventually, it stuck. It developed into your kink over time, and now you can’t shake the thought.
You’re dying to try it at least once.
Congratulations.
Plenty of people have been where you are right now.
Maybe you’re in a relationship with someone, and the sex has gotten a bit repetitive. You think inviting a new person into your bedroom might spice things up. You might want to try two women at the same time. Or you might want to watch your partner with someone else.
Whatever your reason is, it’s absolutely vital that you first accept that it’s totally valid as long as it isn’t deceptive.
This is something that gives a surprising number of people out there trouble. They feel like they don’t deserve to have unique, wild, different sex for the sake of their own pleasure (and the pleasure of others). It’s part of our cultural conditioning that tells us that anything sexually pleasurable is bad and should be viewed with contempt.
It scolds us, telling us that when we’re not working, we have to live emaciated lives.
Begone with that noise!
Threesomes aren’t just for porn stars. They aren’t just for the privileged, wealthy elite in Hollywood.
Who are they for?
Any three people who want to have sex with each other at the same time.
Some people have threesomes behind Wendy’s high out of their minds on Xanax, others rent high-end condos to invite partners into their thirty-year marriages.
Anyone can have a threesome who wants to. You just have to decide you want to do it, pick what you intend to do, and find others willing to do it with you.
Find your reason, and don’t tell yourself you can’t have it. Make sure your motivations are pure. If you’re having a threesome purely to boost your ego, the other participants will probably have a bad time (or they’ll end up having a great time together ignoring you, and you’ll wind up the person having a bad time).
Do you want to experience a fantasy of yours?
Is there a specific activity you’re dying to try that requires more than two people, like double penetration, sleeping with two women at a time, a bisexual encounter with a man and a woman at the same time, or cuckold cleanup?
Or are you more flexible and looking to push your boundaries and see what experiences wait for you out there in the world?
All of these reasons are perfectly valid. Figure out your “why,” and you’ll be one step closer to your threesome.
Another crucial thing to ask yourself is how flexible you are. What kinds of activities would you be willing to try if your main fantasies are off the table?
Would you be willing to try someone else’s fantasy out? Figure all these things first, and you’ll learn some powerful facts about your sexual identity in the process, threesome or no threesome.
Getting People on Board
It’s one thing to want to try something in bed. But you still have to convince others to do it with you. You may think you’ll have to try every trick in the book to find people willing to try your threesome fantasy with you.
But guess what…
It’s best if you don’t trick anyone. It’s best to find people who already want to do what you want to do, and then you can just do it with them if you click. This is where swinger, polyamory (if you want your threesome to take place in the confines of emotional connection), and open relationship communities and forums can be beneficial.
Or even just a really open-minded and kinky friend.
Whether you’re talking to a partner, a friend, or a total stranger, trying to learn if they want the same kind of experiences you want, it’s best to come straight out with it and talk openly about what you have in mind, no matter who you’re talking to.
If you’re talking to someone in an official forum for sexual things, you can be 100% straight up with them, and the conversation will probably devolve into the sexual realm pretty quickly.
If you’re talking to a friend, it’s best to feel the situation out a bit beforehand.
Spontaneous Sex or Devised Debauchery?
Threesomes can unfold in one of two ways. They can be organic, meaning the three people are attracted to one another, they talk about it and wind up fucking each other after a few cocktails. Or they can be planned, where the partners find one another on apps, websites, or in communities and plan out exactly what they’re going to do.
Most of my threesomes have been organic.
I love the rush of spontaneous kink.
If you have a group of friends who are a little bit wild, and you think they might be open to such a thing, you can always feel them out and see what they think about threesomes. You don’t have to tell them you want one, and you probably shouldn’t bring it up by telling them you want one with them.
You could ask them if they’ve ever had one.
If they ask why you’re interested, tell them you’ve been thinking about them lately. Tell them you found yourself buried in Pornhub recommendations that featured a ton of threesomes or something. See where the conversation goes from there.
If they ask whether you’re interested in such a thing, you don’t have to spill the beans in obscene, gory detail, but be candid.
People respect honesty as long as you don’t cross their boundaries.
And no matter what you’re into, you don’t want to spring things on someone last minute. Nobody wants to think they’re getting into a voyeur experience, and suddenly, you’re demanding they try double penetration. Set out the ground rules and stick to them.
You want to be upfront about your wants and expectations from the moment you realize you might be interested in having a threesome together.
You never know what kinds of conversations can unfold if you don’t start talking
If you’re going to plan it out, hit up websites, create the best profile you can, and start poking around for potential partners. If you’re a man, it will probably be extremely difficult to find two women who are willing to have sex with you right off the bat.
“Unicorn hunting” is frowned upon in many non-monogamy communities, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible — just that it will require patience and putting your best foot forward.
See my story on becoming the most attractive man you can be.
You may find one woman and then another and see them individually.
Ensure you’re honest about not being exclusive, so they don’t get the wrong idea. Then, if things go well and you get closer, you can bring the idea up to each of them and see what they say. Ask them how they feel about threesomes.
Listen to their wants, their concerns, their ideas, everything.
Here are a couple of sites that might help you out.
AdultFriendFinder is the classic and biggest site for finding new partners. But it’s expensive and has a ton of fake profiles. Not my first choice.
Swapfinder is another site that’s easy and anonymous. I haven’t personally used it, but it comes with some limitations (no app, no search unless you pay, but you can browse).
SwingLifestyle has been my go-to over the years. It’s affordable, safe, and has various features and options. You can’t chat unless you pay, but just about all of the other features are available for free users.
And consider trying things that aren’t your go-to fantasy.
Being the third wheel isn’t so bad.
You never know what you might learn about yourself. Respect your hard limits and don’t do anything you absolutely don’t want to do, but if you experiment with kinks you’re more flexible with, you might end up learning a lot from your experiences that you can apply later as you move closer to the threesome of your dreams.
Understand It Isn’t a Lifelong Commitment
Any threesome advice article you read will probably tell you to take your time and be sure it’s what you want before diving in. This is great advice. But I’d be lying if I told you I always followed it. Sometimes, I talked about my threesomes beforehand, other times, they happened in the heat of the moment.
Warnings like these exist because, for some people, threesomes can be marriage wreckers.
A threesome happens, someone gets jealous, and they can’t stop thinking about what they saw, so they end the marriage or relationship.
Let me tell you, if that’s how someone acts in the face of adversity, it probably wasn’t the threesome but their inability or refusal to handle relationship problems that ended the relationship. Relationships aren’t perfect. We have fights, we feel lonely, and we question what we’re doing and if we made the right choices.
But we work to get over these speed bumps. That’s what separates a successful relationship from an unsuccessful one.
Bad experiences happen. Sometimes they linger for a lot longer than we want them to. But in today’s world of therapy, medications, and a culture that embraces working on your mental health and emotional turmoil, I fail to see how someone couldn’t work through rare cases like these from having a threesome but not anything else.
Every threesome I’ve had, good or bad, was temporary. Just make sure you protect yourself from STIs and pregnancy.
Having one bad threesome doesn’t mean the next threesome is automatically going to be just as bad.
I can’t tell you how many people I’ve known who tried something once and had a bad time and then swore off a completely marvelous activity, sexual or not, for the rest of their lives. Now they miss out on a lot of fun they could be having because they’re afraid to try again.
This is just common-sense life advice.
If at first you don’t succeed, put on your big boy pants and try again.