The One Thing Men Get Wrong About Attracting Women

There's a lot of bullshit going around. Time to clear the air.

Photo by Shamim Nakhaei on Unsplash

There’s a lot of crap floating around the internet these days.

I constantly see men giving other men advice about women that makes me want to pull my hair out. So much of this stuff going around on YouTube is junk. Men telling other men that they need to be super tall or extremely rich to find a woman who will love them is preposterous.

I feel the need to chime in on the subject and offer my perspective…which is what it is, one perspective among many. No matter how good the advice you get is, no tips will charm every woman you meet.

Every woman is different. We’re all unique in our own way and the advice that makes one person swoon will fall flat with others. That’s life. It’s part of why we all feel so strongly about sex and attraction. It’s uncertain.

None of us know if that person we’ve had our eye on for the past week is going to be into us. Women go through this as well as men. I can’t tell you how many friends I’ve had over the years who sat around quietly hoping the person they’re secretly crushing on is secretly crushing on them too.

Attraction takes place in the hazy depths of our minds and bodies. It’s something we feel more than we think about. Have you ever tried to force yourself to be attracted to someone who you weren’t naturally attracted to? I know most women reading this are nodding their heads in agreement right now.

Most women have had this experience, and many men too.

We’ve met that really great guy who seemed to have it all…the manners, the kindness, the style, the swagger, the money, the intelligence, whatever it is that you’re into, he had it. But, still, something was missing. The X factor was absent and no matter how much we tried to force ourselves to be attracted to our date, it just wasn’t happening. I’ve seen people go through entire relationships like this.

It happens to a lot of people after a few years of being together. Their attraction fizzles out and they struggle laboriously to feel those same powerful feelings they once felt for their partners. Sometimes, the sex stops completely. Their relationships aren’t warm and loving anymore, event though it’s in their best interest to be.

If people could choose to be attracted to one another, this would never happen.

The bad advice I see floating around the internet all the time is advice on how to obtain social status and social validation in order to get women to flock to you.

There’s nothing wrong with men trying to be their best and I think they should (we all should). But these discussions talk as if women are guaranteed to be mesmerized by a guy who ticks all of these boxes, the money, the car, the college education, the clothes, the style, the intelligence (okay, intelligence is really sexy, but still…).

They make attraction sound like it’s a video game, like you just need to collect enough XP, money, clothes, belongings, education, height, and women will line up to be with you and everything will be effortless. Right, that’s why Hollywood romances often predictably end in disaster.

Most women who have a good head on their shoulders are perfectly capable of understanding how shallow these things are. What’s worse, society still puts a lot of pressure on us to feel attraction for these things.

Our parents, our friends, and most other people in our lives have pressured us to settle down with someone we’re simply not attracted to. They act like we don’t have a sex drive or physical needs at all.

It’s crazy.

Most people like to date people they feel are about equal with them. Having too much stuff, be it money or status or belongings, can be off-putting, especially when men try to dangle it in front of our faces as if we’ll suddenly feel a spontaneous burst of attraction. Sex doesn’t work that way.

The one thing men constantly get wrong is that it’s not who you are that matters but how you make us feel.

So what should you do instead of trying to woo her with your possessions and achievements? Try to establish a connection with her like a human being. Listen to her, and I mean active listening, not passive listening. So many women are ignored throughout their lives that the guy who truly listens to her will make her perk up and take notice.

Become someone who’s completely indifferent to the outcome of your interactions. If you’re hoping that you’ll succeed by showing off, and you really want your efforts to pay off with sex, she’ll be able to sense that. It puts a lot of pressure on the whole encounter that’s super uncomfortable. Trust me, she’ll feel that discomfort when she thinks of you.

How do you become indifferent? By accepting that the X factor of chemistry is outside of both your and her control. You’re trying to see if it works, if you click, and if not, no problem, there are plenty of other people out there for each of you to choose from.

Accept that uncertainty comes with the territory and you’ll be miles ahead of everyone else. Women will notice.

I get it, there’s a lot of pressure on everyone to find someone. Teach yourself to ignore that voice in the back of your head that tells you that you have to find someone right now or the world is going to end. You have the rest of your life to find a great match.

Instead of wasting your time worrying about money and status and wealth, spend time talking to women. Learn to make women smile, how to make them feel comfortable, how to make them open up to you, and, most of all, how to feel attraction for you. Because, despite what people all over the internet tell you, genuine attraction can’t be bought.