How Oral Sex Makes or Breaks Your Relationship (or Marriage)

Sex, lies, and blowjobs

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In the world of relationships, there are certain topics that people tend to shy away from discussing openly. One such topic is oral sex. It's often seen as a taboo subject, reserved for behind closed doors and hushed conversations, hidden beneath innuendo and euphemism.

Today, as usual, we’re going to smash that barrier and talk about the impact that oral sex can have on a happy, enduring marriage (or relationship).

I was thinking recently and had an epiphany—that oral sex makes a marriage.

At least for us hot-blooded beings who adore oral sex, giving and receiving, oral sex is one of the infrequently talked about aspects of a happy, enduring relationship.

Oral sex says so much about us—and about our relationships. There’s a give-and-take dynamic inherent in the act.

I’m not making this up. A 2019 study that asked hundreds of people about their sex lives said as much:

While receiving oral sex was positively related to both men's, and women's perceptions of relationship quality, women's relationship quality was more strongly linked to their partners' well-being than men's. Correspondingly, men's giving of oral sex (and thus their female partner's receiving of oral sex) was positively related to their own well-being through increasing their female partner's perceived relationship quality.

Oral Sex is My Love Language

Let's face it, oral sex is not just a physical act; it goes much deeper than that. It is a powerful expression of love, desire, and intimacy. And most of all, it’s a signal that you give a shit about your partner.

When we engage in oral sex with our partner, we say much without uttering a word. We convey our love, attraction, and willingness to please and be pleased. It's a beautiful dance of giving and receiving pleasure.

While oral sex doesn’t define our capacity to give, it alludes to it. It also speaks to our desire for our partner.

Anyone can close their eyes and begrudgingly pump through a penetrative sex session. But it takes a genuine desire to kiss your partner’s nether regions.

A Lack of Love = A Doomed Relationship

It’s fascinating to think that, for all these reasons, oral sex can often be a make-or-break factor in a relationship.

I can't tell you how many friends I've had who have confided in me about the lack of oral sex in their romantic lives. And guess what? Those relationships didn't last long after the complaints started pouring in.

Once you’re complaining to your mutual friends about your lack of love, safe to say your relationship is doomed.

What’s funny about all those relationships that soon failed right after I started hearing complaints about a lack of oral sex is that almost all of them began with a lot of oral sex. The story always went the same way. 

They were smitten. They fell head over heels in love. Then, as time wore on the relationship, one of the partners backed away.

• Men started watching porn increasingly and neglecting their partners.

• Women started faking headaches increasingly and neglecting their partners. And while regular sex took a hit, oral sex slowed to the point where it was virtually nonexistent. 

They would give each other pecks on the cheek instead of passionate kisses. Long gone were the days of greeting one another with a warm, close embrace and a deep, earth-shattering kiss. Tongue was entirely out of the question.

The passion died. And nobody had the guts to admit it.

Enough With the Trickery

I’ve had a few of these relationships. It always starts the same. First, you notice that oral sex (and sex generally) is getting less and less frequent. You wait it out to see if something is going on with your partner that will resolve itself. It doesn’t. So you spend weeks thinking about what you’re going to say.

You finally work up the courage to bring it up to your partner, or at least that’s what life was like when. I was young and had to deal with this problem. I don’t date guys who don’t do oral sex anymore.

When you’re first dating, a good guide is how often they ask you if they can initially go down on you of their own volition. If you’re already asking and they aren’t volunteering it, chances are, things aren’t going to get better.

So you’ve worked up the nerve to mention it, and you get walled off. You’re hit with excuse after excuse. It drives me up the wall. Look, relationships go through ups and downs. They go through rough patches. But when you stop talking to your partner about your feelings, you’ve shut them out, leaving them guessing.

If you let them, some people will string you along for years because they don’t have the guts to admit that they don’t really enjoy giving oral sex, and when they did early in the relationship, it was all a show to get you to settle down with them. It’s an act.

Johnny Anal Sex

People do this all the time. My friend *Johnny really loves anal sex. He likes fucking women in the ass. It’s his thing. And while I think he might be a little extreme with it, considering he won’t date anyone who doesn’t do it, I can respect it.

He’s upfront with it. He doesn’t try to hide it. He lets women know it’s a deal-breaker early on.

He dated a woman named *Mandy, who really liked him. They were together for six months, and he noticed a frustrating lack of anal action. He complained, and I told him to give it some time. That's when he said he already had. A year went by, and she kept making up excuses. Finally, she admitted that she didn't like anal but wanted to be with him, so she tricked him into a relationship.

That’s fucked up.

He wasted a year of his life dating someone who, in his mind, he’s incompatible with. And she wasted a year of her life, too. What, did she think he was suddenly going to change his entire sex life just for her?

You might as well neuter him.

And while oral sex isn’t anal sex by any stretch of the imagination, it’s similar when someone pretends to be down with oral sex only to get you hooked on them, committed, and, if they’re fortunate, get you financially committed to them before they break the news to you. Then you’re left with the ungodly decision—what do you choose, the person you’ve fallen in love with and begun to merge your life with, or not having oral sex for the rest of your life?

They hold your pleasure hostage.

Oral sex or not, you don’t want to be with someone willing to manipulate you like that.

Climax

You see, oral sex is a reflection of the underlying dynamics in a relationship. It suggests a certain level of selflessness and a desire to please your partner. It requires genuine enthusiasm and a willingness to explore and fulfill each other's desires. When one partner starts to withdraw from oral sex, it often signals a larger issue in the relationship.

That’s my epiphany.

In many ways, the decline of oral sex reflects the decline of the relationship as a whole. The passionate kisses and embraces become distant memories, replaced by pecks on the cheek. The spark that once ignited their souls fizzled out, leaving both partners longing for the connection they once shared.

We can get the romance back. We just need to focus on it and be conscious of what we’re doing. Sometimes, especially in long-term relationships, you’ve got to fake it ‘till you make it.

And what I know for certain is staying silent about a lack of sex (of any kind) will surely destroy whatever connection you have with your partner.

They’ll feel alone, neglected, forgotten, and duped.

When it comes to sexual intimacy, every couple has their own preferences and boundaries. However, recent studies have shown that a couple's oral sex habits can actually say a lot about the health and happiness of their relationship. It may come as no surprise that happy couples engage in oral sex more often than those who are less satisfied with their relationship.

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